My family lost our star and the most precious gift ever bestowed upon us, Drew, on March 12, 2014. My Dad said something about Drew shortly after his passing that so eloquently describes our angel, "He was the best of all of us." Drew was the most beautiful, happy, brilliant little boy and people marveled to us often how special he was. His "Day Mama" at school, Mercedes, always told me, "He never has a bad day, every day is good."
When I think back to New Year’s Day 2014, I looked to the future with rose colored glasses. All of my hopes and dreams for the year ahead included the little man who had become our world and brought so much light with him in each power packed step.
After we lost Drew contemplating our family's future became a daunting task to put it mildly. How could I look to the future when I no longer had Drew's tiny hand to hold? 2014 became a year of firsts and tortuous milestones. The first Mother’s Day and Father's Day without your child. The first drive past Drew's school knowing your child and his chubby cheeks will never run to you again at the end of a work day. The first time you look at your back seat and realize the car seat, toys and goldfish shrapnel are gone. The first time you and your husband come home to a quiet house. The first birthday party of your child's friends, and the realization your child's birthday is never going to follow. The first Halloween where you are not brainstorming to come up with the most dapper pint sized ensemble. These and countless other firsts are the hurdles and grief land mines we have encountered during these first nine months without Drew.
The start of the New Year was not even on my radar, but as soon as I opened my eyes on New Year's Day 2015 all of these emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. I could not figure out why I was so sad. Sadness is on the agenda for me daily, but New Year’s Day began with a deep sadness different than the usual grieving mother variety. I looked at my husband and said, "Why is today making me feel like this?" He looked at me with his beautiful and sad eyes and said, "Because the beginning of the New Year is something else we have to do without Drew. Each New Year's Day will be hard for us." I slammed my hands on the counter and just started balling in a fashion so dramatic a monster ballad should have been playing in the background. That was it! I realized that 2015 would be the first year where Drew had not been with us at all, not even for a day. The start of 2015 made me feel as if there was an ocean between myself and the child whose memories I am holding on to for dear life.
After hugging my husband so tight I must have looked like a new species of tree sloth, I collected myself and headed to the grocery store. We were in firm agreement we needed as much black-eyed peas (luck) and cabbage (wealth) as we could get to start the year. I prayed the entire way to the store for peace and told Drew how much I love him.
While shopping it occurred to me that any time, in any year, that passes without Drew in my arms is going to be hard. There is no statute of limitations on love though. The love between a Mama and her baby being the strongest love of all. No matter how many years go by my love for Drew will never fade. There will never be an ocean between my son and I because he is firmly entrenched in my heart. I cannot stop Father Time, but time has no control over the infinite love I have for my baby.
So there I was in the produce section, clutching a cabbage, bawling again, but this time my tears were of joy. Just when I feel like I cannot hold onto hope for one more second my faith and love for my son shows me the way. In moments like the produce section meltdown I know Drew is with me and if he could he would say, "Happy New Year, Mama, 2015 will be a hard but good year. Do your best to make the most of each day, just like I did for 15 months." So here I come 2015, you better watch out! This Mama plans to make every step power packed just like her little "star" did. Twinkle, twinkle, my little star, Mama loves you.
